Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
