I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
