just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
