Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
