Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
