Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
