My hand turned me down
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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