I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
