RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
