God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
