i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Is it because I queefed?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
