so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
