it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
