a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
