the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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