Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize