I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
