I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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