If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
