what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
