I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
