Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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