It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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