if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
