so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
