Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
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so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
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you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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