Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
