Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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