i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
