Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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