My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
