the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
