I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Did I show you my penis last night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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