just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
