Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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