You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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