just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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