dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
