3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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