Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
