Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
