i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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