shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
