Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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