Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
