Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
