haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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