Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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