Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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