4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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