I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
