He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
