The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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