my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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