What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
