Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
