just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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