My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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