I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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