Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
