I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
