Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
