so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
