I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
