I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
