I cockslap morals
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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