Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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