I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
