Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
