The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I lost the right to judge tonight
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
