Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
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this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
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I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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