i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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