If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
